rue love is sacred, and we need to bless true love. And the prerequisite for blessing true love is understanding true love, understanding love requires us to learn, and understanding love enables us to grow. This is the main content of this chapter to be shared and communicated.
Love is a noble spiritual experience for human beings, different from other emotional experiences, it is a unique spiritual journey for individuals, moreover, it is an exchange and communication between the hearts and minds of both parties, and only by understanding love correctly can we walk with happiness.
I. Develop the ability to love yourself and love others
Some people say, “Who doesn’t know about this point of falling in love?” In fact, love theory are known, still can not fall in love with a large number of people. So, to have a good love, you also need to keep learning and enriching yourself.
As the psychologist Fromm once said, if one wants to know the art of love, one has to take the initiative to learn about the art of love, just like learning other skills (such as music, painting, architecture or medicine), taking the initiative to get close to love and seriously learning everything related to love, it will bring you richer rewards.
So, what to learn?
If you are the best plum tree in the world and the person you love does not like plums, he/she prefers apricots, then you can choose to become an apricot tree. But the apricots that are changed to produce apricots are the second best quality apricots. And the person you love only likes superior quality apricots, and you may be abandoned. The only way to bear good fruit is to be the original plum tree.
From this passage, we can learn that instead of becoming another person for love, we should stick to ourselves. We have to believe and accept ourselves and be the best version of ourselves.
Loving ourselves is a prerequisite for loving others. What do we need to do to learn to love ourselves?
1. Correct self-awareness
Whether you are ugly or beautiful, poor or rich, we need to see ourselves correctly, to accept our appearance, character, temperament, ability, etc., but also to accept our family of origin, to establish a positive self-concept, so that the physical self, psychological self and social self are harmoniously unified.
A self-love person is self-aware, and a psychologically mature person is able to express themselves naturally and openly. Self-love is about becoming who you are, not becoming someone else through love.
Have you ever encountered such a situation in your life?
◇I can abandon everything, my health, my parents and even my life for him/her ……
◇I have loved him/her so much, why does he/she still treat me like this?
What have I done wrong?
I don’t feel that I have done anything wrong.
I did it because I love him/her very much.
I always look forward to becoming the way he/she likes.
Love does make a person change, and this change comes from the fact that I am willing to change for you and discover “who I am”, “what I really want” and “who is the right person” through love. “. Both parties in a relationship need to actively focus on the self in the relationship, is this relationship making yourself better or staying where you are? Or even appear to regress?
In fact, men and women in hot relationships “idealize” their lovers and are particularly likely to magnify the psychological feelings of pleasure and pain in a hot relationship. In the heat of love, people think they are the happiest person in the world, and when they fall out of love, they think they are the most miserable person in the world.
It is true that the strong and rich, sensitive and unstable feelings of both sides in love are not abnormal, but if caught in the illusion of emotions, people’s self-judgment, self-evaluation and self-awareness will be deviated, some people lose themselves because of love, some people are more narcissistic because of love, and some people are more mature because of love, the difference lies in the individual’s perception of self.
2. learn to cherish and respect their feelings
Before falling in love, we should first think about whether to start the relationship, to use a responsible attitude towards the relationship.
Around us, there are many lovers who do not cherish their feelings. For example, some people indulge their feelings because they are in love, just to meet their physical and psychological and even material needs, with youth and love to bet on tomorrow. Some people fall in love because they are lonely and start a relationship, which is actually irresponsible to themselves and unfair to the other half.
Love is a very sacred emotion and it is disrespectful to give your feelings casually for a person you don’t love. Before love comes, we have to learn to endure loneliness and leave our love for someone who is truly worthy of our love.
3. learn to be responsible for yourself
People have to control the temperature of their feelings when they are in hot love.
Falling in love is not about giving up our selves, but learning to live more responsibly. Only when a person studies and lives with a highly responsible attitude towards himself can he handle the relationship between self and others, present and future, school/work and love in a relationship. Love is not only about Valentine’s Day roses, nor is it just about the daily routine of keeping each other together, but also about the human attitude of being responsible for each other’s lives.
Tzu said: Do unto others as you would have them do unto you. The concern is, what you want, is it necessary to do to others? Do you think that being nice to your lover in this way means that you can ask your lover to act the way you want? Actually, no. Mature love should be about respecting and loving each other.
Loving the other person means allowing the lover to be who he is, not what you expect him to be. Loving others also means allowing the lover to grow up at his own pace. Loving others means giving up the idea of “changing the other person to suit yourself”; giving up the idea of “manipulating”, “dominating”, “blaming “Give up the desire to “control the other”.
Love others should do the following.
1. Learn to respect the person you love
Respect is not awe, it’s not about being cautious in front of the other person, it’s about recognizing the unique qualities of the other person and accepting them. We all want the person we love to grow in his or her own way, not to be subservient to us in all things.
If we love another person, we will accept them as they are, not demand that they become what we want them to be. This requires us to respect the person we love more and to allow the person to develop himself in the way he likes.
2. Help the other person to develop themselves positively
Love awakens the dormant mind, and a positive relationship releases the potential psychological energy of the individual and allows people to work for the loved one. Love is a positive spiritual force that urges the two people who love each other to develop towards their better selves, to work harder at self-improvement and self-development rather than self-bondage and self-indulgence.
At the same time, love can not just stay in words, but to put into action, both sides grow together.
3. Learn to give
By enriching others through your own giving, you improve the quality of your own life and at the same time improve the existence of the other person. Giving is not about getting, but by giving appropriately, it will inevitably evoke the inner life force of the lover.
Love is a discipline that we need to learn by heart, and our efforts will add nutrients to the flower of love and make it bloom more brilliantly.
(1) Psychologist Fromm once said that if people want to know the art of love, they should take the initiative to learn it, just like learning other skills (such as music, painting, architecture or medicine), and take the initiative to get close to love and seriously learn everything related to love, which will bring you more abundant rewards.
(2) Learning to love includes learning to love yourself and learning to love others.
(3) Loving yourself requires forming a correct self-concept about yourself, cherishing your feelings, respecting your feelings, and learning to be responsible for yourself.
(4) Love for others mainly includes learning to respect those you love, helping each other to develop themselves positively, and learning to give and know how to give.
II. The storage and management of love accounts
Psychologist Fromm once said, “Love is an active capacity of man, a capacity to unite man with others; love allows man to overcome the feeling of loneliness, but allows man to be himself, allows him to remain intact.”
Your love account stores various capacities of love that will help you to have a great love.
The ability to love is the ability to build mutual trust, equality and intimacy with others, and it is important for a person’s development throughout their life. Having the ability to love will lead a person to truly love others and to truly love themselves, to truly experience the joy and happiness that love brings to people, and the process of falling in love is the process of developing the ability to love.
Our affirmation of our lives, happiness, growth, and freedom is based on the capacity to love, and the various capacities stored in our love accounts allow us to care for others, to respect others, and to understand others. These capacities are not innate and do not develop naturally with physical maturity, but grow gradually in social life.
The ability to love
A good love requires what love skills are stored in your love account?
1. The ability to identify love
Identifying love means being sensible about courtship, distinguishing between good feelings, liking and love, and that true love has the qualities of equality, trust and happiness. First, in equal love, both partners see each other as separate and whole people, allowing each other to exist as true and whole selves. In unequal love, lovers generally only care about their own feelings: being cared for, being pampered, being given special attention, constantly satisfying their own demands; or satisfying each other’s needs without ego at all. Secondly, two people trust each other’s hearts and minds, and love that lacks trust is inevitably accompanied by negative emotions such as suspicion and denial. Finally, happiness is a long-lasting emotional experience that exists in the hearts of two people rather than a short-lived happy emotion.
2. The ability to express love
The expression of love is not “love you in your heart” or “you are the only one in my life”, but with the deepening of emotional interaction, the natural and frank expression of love for each other, and such expression is expected by the other party.
3. The ability to accept love
Accepting love means that when love comes, we can’t be shy, we can’t retreat, and we can’t be afraid, but we have to accept it honestly. When love comes, we should let go of the concept that “men should actively pursue, women should passively accept” and accept love honestly, sincerely and naturally, instead of being pretentious, disguised, specious and indecisive.
4. The ability to reject love
As we mentioned earlier, we must be brave enough to say “no” to dislike, and accepting and rejecting love responsibly is respectful of others.
Do not like is a fact that can not be avoided, refuse love to thank each other for their appreciation, respect for each other’s feelings, attitude should be clear, expressed clearly, rather than ambiguous, seemingly not but. Some people in the rejection of love, although the words refuse, but action still have intimate contact with each other, this is a wrong way to reject love, it is easy to make the other party misunderstanding, think they still have a chance, so continue to entangle.
5. The ability to take care of love
Care for love is a comprehensive ability, is the art of life; care for love is the test of a person’s inner quality, love is a long run not a sprint, from acquaintance, acquaintance, love, companionship to keep each other, need to experience a variety of experiences of friendship, love, affection and kindness. Therefore, the choice of lovers is only a choice of raw materials, happy marriage is a work of art created by the hearts of both parties.
6. the ability to resolve conflicts
Love will inevitably bring conflict, sometimes only misunderstanding, there is no right or wrong. Effective communication is the most effective way to solve the conflict between lovers, and arguments, cold war, capricious are not conducive to problem solving, love requires both parties to solve problems in a constructive way.
7. Develop the ability to love
Two people from falling in love to establish a stable relationship and then towards marriage, during this period will experience mutual understanding, awareness, understanding, conflict, harmony and other processes. The development of the ability to love is something that requires the joint efforts of both parties in a relationship.
How to manage a love account
There is no perfect love in the world, perfect love exists only in fiction. True love has to wait, but also learn to keep watch, to be able to wait a little with your heart and not to be too anxious. What we need to do is to do a good job in the love account before love comes, so that when love comes, we have a chance to get our own happiness.
Like our financial accounts, after you open a love account and start storing the ability to love, we also need to manage and maintain the account. We can manage our love accounts in the following ways.
1. Love should be expressed in moderation
Sometimes the love we give to others can be burdensome and restrictive, yet often in the name of love. For example, a guy says to a girl, “You’re my girlfriend, but you hang out with other guys all day, what place do you put me in? If you value me, you should spend more time with me.” In a relationship, we hear too many complaints like this, what is behind such complaints? It may be a kind of control, and the more frightening thing is that this control is expressed in the name of love, which we often do not notice, so that we can not be ourselves, each person is first himself, and then his own relationship with others.
2. Love should be fine
I do not advocate that very crazy way of expressing love. Whether it’s a guy or a girl, when the other person is very crazy about love, you must give yourself a heads up. The madness is always short-lived, so what does it look like after the madness? Is the two sides gradually become bored with each other, or your feelings between you continue to be strong? Usually, boredom is the end. Therefore, the test of love is the long term.
3. Love should match
This is the same as a computer, if the CPU is good and other parts do not match, then this computer is not a good computer. This time, people have to have a psychological “perception”. Through the two people together, you can sense whether they are suitable for each other.
4. Love to grasp
Sometimes, love will disappear unknowingly, when held in the hands, we often do not know to cherish, when lost, only to know regret, perhaps everyone has this problem. I hope we can ask each other a few more whys when we are in love, because there may be some crisis lurking behind this. Again, sometimes common sense is very important, so when we fall in love, we may need to consult our parents and elders, their life experience and experience is very helpful. Use your reason when you fall in love, don’t get carried away by your feelings, and actively seek opportunities for deeper understanding with the help of others.
The flower of love needs fertile land, and love can never be nurtured on barren land, so we need to store value in our love account, understand the ability to love, develop the ability to love, and at the same time manage and maintain love in order to make our love more vibrant.
(1) In a relationship, we need to have the ability to identify love, express love, accept love, reject love, care for love, resolve love conflicts, and develop love.
(2) When managing our love accounts, we need to express our love for each other in moderation, to avoid being too crazy, to let love flow in a fine way, and to match and grasp our love for each other.
(3) We need to store value and manage our love account well in order to maintain each other’s feelings better.
III. The Dialectical Relationship between the Ability to Discern True Love and Growth
Good love has the magical power to sometimes make people courageous and purposeful, to make both partners better and better, and to promote mutual growth. In fact, every relationship is a test of the way we love others. If we can grow from a relationship, then the relationship has its meaning and the more we grow, the more we know how to love others. So, what growth can you get from a good love?
The growth of love
1. The perfection of self-awareness
Love will let us remove the pretense, lead us to get rid of the control of selfish nature, promote the maturity and perfection of self and partner’s mind, rather than through indulgence and coddling each other always in the comfort of the nest without thinking about progress. Therefore, the process of falling in love can make people grow, and once two people fall in love, they will always learn to change for each other, from self-centered to thinking about an unrelated person.
2. Emotional intelligence improvement
Love is closely related to the emotional intelligence of both men and women, and is the emotional awareness of both men and women in search of the best combination. In love, whether we have suffered harm or get along, it can help us understand our inner emotional world better.
3. Growth of personality
Love may cause you to suffer setbacks and adversity, and in adversity you can look for the good side of things as well as the bad side, and in looking to recognize this balance, the personality becomes healthy and harmonious. We have to work hard to learn and improve ourselves in love, work hard to learn how to respect and know each other, and when you do all this, you will have grown while reaping the benefits of love.
Understand true love
A good love can promote the growth of both parties, and the prerequisite for a good love is to understand true love. True love is a noble human spiritual experience, different from other emotional experiences, it is a unique individual spiritual journey, but also the heart to heart communication and communication between the two sides, only to understand true love, can walk with happiness, in love to grow. The premise of understanding true love is to distinguish the misconceptions of love.
According to Fromm’s statement. There are three misconceptions about love.
First, being loved rather than giving love. This view denies that love is the ability to love, and the question shifts to, how to get love and how to become lovable. In order to achieve this, men pursue fame and fortune, women seek to please themselves, and “pampered women are the best” and “successful men are fought for by millions. Love seems to have become something objective, and if you meet these “accepted standards”, you will reap the benefits of love.
Second, the object determinism. Many people believe that there is nothing to learn in the matter of love, they believe that the problem of love is a matter of object, not ability. They believe that love itself is very simple, the difficulty lies in finding the object of love or the object of love. So falling in love is transformed into “finding an object” based on conditions.
Third, the feeling rather than true love. This is mainly because they can’t tell the difference between “falling in love” (falling in love) and “being in love” (being in love). The thought of love must be passionate, “the mountains have no angle and the sky is united”. People prove the reality of their love by being in love with each other, but this proves how lonely and empty they were before.
Based on this, I believe that true love should have the following elements.
1. Love is giving, not getting
Love is an active concern for life and the things we love, which means giving the most precious things about ourselves to the other person, giving them the vitality of their own life. Thinking of the other person, being considerate, sharing happiness, knowledge, etc. with the other person. Therefore, the essence of love is to give, to experience one’s own power and to sublimate one’s own life through “giving”.
2. Love is a responsibility, not an obligation
Immature love is “I love because I am loved”, mature love is “I am loved because I love people”; immature love is “I love you because I need you”, mature love is “I love you because I need you”, mature love is “I love you because I need you”. Mature love is “I need you because I love you”. A love that lacks a sense of responsibility has no solid soil and cannot flourish. Love is not an emotional impulse, it must accept self-restraint, shoulders moral responsibility.
3. Love is respect, not bondage
Sincere love is a respect based on equality and understanding between the two parties. Respect is the effort to make the other person grow and improve themselves, neither deprivation nor sacrifice.
4. Love is ability, not talent
There is no such thing as “perfect love” in this world, there is only “complete love”. The psychological foundation of “complete love” is the healthy “mind” and “self” of both parties, and it needs to be constantly improved by both parties in the review.