You will not receive advance notice before you gain a relationship.
When you will lose the relationship, you may not have any advance preparation either.
Your fragile heart is overwhelmed.
Watching him/her go away, caught off guard by this sudden blow ……
The most popular phrase on the internet recently is: “Friendship boat said to capsize, the huge ship of love said to sink on the sink.” It is a wonderful thing to fall in love, but there are many relationships that end for one reason or another.
When falling in love, all people have good wishes and hope to make a good marriage. When breaking up, some people are caught off guard.
Breakups can cause a variety of emotional reactions and can even lead to a number of hurtful and self-inflicted incidents. It is a matter of concern how to get through this dark period when we have just broken up and have not yet recovered, and how to adjust positively so that we can finally grow and start a new life journey with our injuries.
This time, dealing with the breakup has become a mandatory course.
Some people say: love depends on the feeling, break up depends on the character; happy to talk about love, rational talk about break up.
In this chapter, let’s learn about those things about breakups.
I. When love encounters a cold winter
Some people ask: love, will expire?
My answer is, I don’t know.
If it were possible, everyone would probably want to be sentenced to “life imprisonment” for love. But unfortunately, there are always some people who will experience the gradual passing of their feelings. The winter of a relationship does not come in an instant, but after months and months of heart cold, and then in a burst of cold wind in the face of the irrevocable end. As a rule, most people go through these ten stages before they break up as follows.
Stage 1: one of the relationship lost interest in each other’s romantic relationship
For example, if you want to watch a movie together, he/she says he/she is busy at work; if you want to get bored together, he/she feels bored. I don’t know when one party slowly becomes perfunctory to the other party, and what was once good gradually becomes reluctant to do so. When one partner has the desire to break up, he/she will lose interest in the other partner’s affairs and even express his/her impatience indirectly or directly.
Stage 2: The disinterested partner starts to pay attention to other people
The one who has lost interest wants to date or is dating more friends of the opposite sex, and starts to be busy socializing and partying with other people, while paying less and less attention to the other party. Because at this stage, his/her subconscious mind may want to find a better person than the current partner, so he/she starts to pay attention to other people.
Stage 3: The partner who has lost interest starts to withdraw and distances himself/herself from the other partner in behavior
Both parties will have less and less contact with each other. The party who has lost interest in the relationship will not only text and call the other party less often, but will also care less about the other party, for example, no longer reminding the other party to get up in the morning, no longer reminding the other party to eat on time, no longer bringing the other party an umbrella on rainy days, etc.
Stage 4: Both partners in the relationship try to work on their problems
Love is a wonderful destiny, when the two parties in a relationship find that one of them is showing signs of losing interest in each other’s relationship, generally speaking, in order to keep the relationship going, either party will try to work to solve the problem, do not want to let the relationship break up just like that. For example, they will set up a time to talk about it and both parties will try to correct what they are not happy with about each other.
This is a transitional stage where both partners begin to identify problems in the relationship and work to resolve them. If the solution is successful, the relationship will continue; if not, new problems will arise.
Stage 5: The amount of time the lovers spend together decreases further
After both partners clearly state the problems that exist between them, if they cannot successfully resolve them, they will spend less time together to avoid embarrassment. Both partners will become more and more careful when meeting each other, and sometimes they will inexplicably fight. Either the one who lost interest first or the other will be less likely to initiate contact, and both will even try to avoid contacting each other. And because the problems that exist between them have become clear, there will be more suspicion and mistrust between them, and they will both wait for the other to take the initiative to explain to them, but will not take the initiative.
Stage 6: The lack of common interest resurfaces
As both sides spend less time together, the two people in love tend to be more busy with their own things and pay less attention to each other. They will disagree over different hobbies such as movies, books and sports, and will not watch the same movie or read the same book as they did at the beginning of the relationship because they want to be with each other. At this time they will feel that many of the things the other person likes do not suit them at all, and there is a lack of common ground between the two sides.
Stage 7: Consider breaking up
The two sides feel that they have no common interests, spend less and less time together, two people together can not find the feeling they once had, and mutual suspicion, conflicts, and even one side has a new potential partner, the two sides in love at this time will have the idea of breaking up.
Stage 8: Both sides communicate and “reach a consensus”
For the two sides of the relationship had a good time, suddenly have the idea of “break up”, is afraid and uncomfortable. Out of the cherished feelings for each other, the two sides will communicate their emotions and try to avoid “breakup” to become a reality. This “consensus” often comes with too many forced components, the two sides in love with each other are apologetic, such a consensus may not last long.
Stage 9: One or both partners try to focus on others again
One or both partners in the relationship are dissatisfied with each other, the idea of breaking up is getting stronger, they are starting to go cold turkey and are actively meeting new friends of the opposite sex.
Stage 10: Other potential replacement partners appear
The person they are in love with completely loses interest in them and does not want to continue with them, but starts to find attraction in others, so they have less and less contact with the person they are in love with, and get close to new friends of the opposite sex or even potential replacement partners, and do some things together that lovers often do, such as watching movies together, traveling, etc.
Who betrayed love
It is said that relationships can’t stand to be faked, and just like the ten stages mentioned above, one can feel each cooling of the relationship. The first time it cools down, he/she is no longer the only grouping in your social apps; the second time it cools down, his/her nickname becomes the full name; the third time it cools down, you change the couple’s avatar that you once wanted to use for the rest of your life and uninstall the couple’s mobile app; the fourth time it cools down, you delete the contact information. The disappointment has been saved enough, you have to wave goodbye. So, in a calm afternoon, you packed your bags, quietly but completely left his / her world.
So, at this point we ask, who betrayed love?
There is a concept involved here – “love boredom”, a psychological reaction to the unchanging and uninteresting love life. According to Gareth Murray, an expert on love psychology, loneliness, monotony, lack of emotional communication and loss of attraction are the main factors that lead to “love boredom”.
Loneliness is the main reason for “love boredom”. If a person does not have others to share the pleasures and feelings of life with, it will create a sense of loneliness. This loneliness will gradually turn into disappointment and even anger towards love, and the original emotions will disappear.
2. Long-term monotonous and poor life is the second important reason for “love boredom”. If the love life is always the same at the same time and in the same way, it will lose its fun. The third party, on the other hand, provides freshness and excitement, and has many attractive and adventurous elements, which is naturally a great temptation for the one who does not want to be monotonous, and then becomes more dissatisfied and bored with the existing relationship.
3. Long-term lack of emotional communication is the third factor in the growth of “love boredom”. In fact, the harmonious relationship between male and female friends is formed and maintained by the exchange of ideas and information, which includes mutual respect and appreciation. If the two people in love lack of emotional communication, the gap will seep into all aspects of life, so that the two sides gradually alienated.
In fact, anyone in the face of love is inevitably bored with the psychology, its existence has its physiological factors based on, not entirely caused by moral corruption. Since we have chosen love, we have also chosen the painful reality that we may lose it. When the love that once belonged to you is scattered in the wind, do not suffer to stay, do not give up, and do not torture yourself because of it. In love, there is no one right or wrong.
(1) Not all love will always be good to the end, in love is a very common thing to separate and merge. When a relationship encounters a cold winter, we must be aware of it as soon as possible and deal with it as soon as possible.
(2) Problems in the relationship between two parties in love usually manifest themselves in ten stages: one party loses interest in the relationship with each other; the party who has lost interest begins to pay attention to others; the party who has lost interest begins to withdraw and alienate the other party; the two parties in love try to work on the problem; the lovers spend less time together; the lack of common interest resurfaces; the lovers consider breaking up; communicating their feelings for each other and “reach a consensus”; one or both partners in the relationship try to focus on others again; they get involved with other potential alternative partners.
(3) Most problems in love are not about who is right or wrong, but more about someone who is “love bored”.
II, the breakup should be decent, no one say sorry
In fact, many feelings are not necessarily a problem to separate, but together with the fate of the end. It’s just that people sometimes don’t know how to be honest and sensible and give up their respect for each other. Especially people who have had a breakup experience understand more about how important it is to break up responsibly.
The difficulty of breaking up
In our lives, breakups are rarely spontaneous and bless each other. More people are cocooned, blaming each other, stalking each other, begging for the best, or even fish to death. When breaking up, the reasons given by the party who proposed the breakup, the other party finds it hard to accept and wants to get back. Until one day they realize that the relationship is irretrievable, at which point the person being broken up will turn to the other party to seek a final accounting, in other words, to find a sense of completion for themselves. They will instinctively want to use external forces to force themselves to accept the reality, and they want this external force from the person who proposed the breakup.
In fact, the person being broken up wants to use the other person’s power to make themselves accept the reality of the breakup, which only shows that deep down they still do not want to separate. The final account they want is just another form of effort. They will refuse to accept all the reasons for the breakup and demand that the other party must give an explanation or behavior that will make them die completely. This effort is just an instinctive desire to stop everything, knowing that they can’t take each other back, but absolutely unable to accept that things can’t be undone. They are people who are trapped in the “now” and refuse to part despite the pain that the present means. Because they believe that the future will only be more painful.
Break up, reluctant; not break up, pain.
That’s how hard it is to break up.
However, no matter what, people should separate decently. So, how to say “break up” decently?
The party who initiates the breakup
1. to maintain reason and calm
When a person proposes to break up and wants to end the relationship, the first thing he or she should do is to keep himself or herself rational and calm. When you break up, your position should be firm and your attitude should be clear.
Many people will propose a breakup in an irrational and uncool state, by arguing, hinting and other methods to let the other party comprehend themselves. This will only make it difficult for the other party to accept and to think that there is a possibility of continuing with each other.
So, when proposing a breakup to remain sensible and calm, on the one hand, can help the person who initiated the breakup to sort out their emotions, on the other hand, can make the person being broken up feel that you made the choice after careful consideration.
2. choose the right occasion to break up
The relationship can make you understand what type of person the other party is, so according to the other party’s character to choose the right occasion to break up, which is also a sign of respect for each other. For example, if the other party loves face, and even love face more than love themselves, then the location of the breakup try not to choose a public place, because it will make the other party because of face damage and produce excessive behavior. If the other party is a sensible person, you can choose to break up in a more public setting, such as a cafe, park, etc.. But be careful not to break up in the presence of the other party’s friends and family.
3. Face to face treatment
My psychology classroom of a survey called “you prefer which way to break up” shows that 66.5% of people will choose not to meet the way to break up, such as phone calls, QQ or WeChat messages, emails and letters; even more people will choose to escape, disappear, so that the feelings of each other slowly fade.
In fact, both parties should be responsible for ending the relationship when they break up. The best way to break up through WeChat, QQ, etc., can not talk clearly about each other’s problems, the best way is to talk about the breakup face to face.
Although it is easier to say the breakup without meeting, but the face-to-face formal conversation can better reflect the respect for each other.
4. take the initiative to take responsibility
When breaking up, many people tend to put the fault for the breakup on the other party. However, when a relationship comes to an end, it is more likely that there are problems on both sides of the relationship.
As the party who initiated the breakup, it is more important to recognize their own fault and take the initiative to take responsibility. Say the reason for the breakup should be objective, fair, not just blame each other, at this time should mainly talk about their own will, rather than the other party’s shortcomings.
5. properly deal with the problem after the breakup
As the saying goes, “love depends on the feeling, break up depends on the character”. Even if the breakup has been finalized, but also to take seriously the various issues raised by the lovers, so as to avoid unnecessary disputes in the future. Do not be resentful, and do not do things to the end, in the case of conditions allow, can be appropriate to meet each other’s requirements, leaving good memories for each other.
At the same time, once the breakup is said to disconnect, because the act of giving each other care usually confuses the other party, creating the illusion that you do not want to break up with him.
The party being broken up with
1. face the reality
When the other party has made up his mind and clearly proposed to break up, any pestering will not help. At this time, the party being broken up should choose to face reality, calm down and the other party to break up rationally. Don’t do anything too radical because you can’t accept it for a while.
2. Accept the end
After the breakup, the party being broken up should avoid continuing to pester each other, should not have illusions about the relationship between each other, but should try to make themselves accept the end of the breakup.
After the breakup, the party being broken up to do is not to feel sorry for themselves or find ways to get their feelings back, but to reflect on their own experience in the relationship, think about the reasons for the breakup, and recognize their own shortcomings.
After the breakup, the party that was broken up should turn the sadness into the motivation to improve themselves and try to improve themselves to meet the next relationship.
5. Be grateful to the lover who broke up with you
Even if your lover breaks up, don’t hold a grudge. It’s easy to love each other and get along with each other for so long, it’s already a success; since the breakup is a foregone conclusion, it’s better to keep tolerance and generosity, so that the relationship between each other will not be too rigid because of the breakup.
(1) If the breakup is already an inevitable fact, then we need to do is to reduce the damage to each other, learn to grow in the process of interaction and breakup, both sides calmly say goodbye.
(2) the party who initiated the breakup should remain rational and calm, in dealing with the breakup to choose the right occasion, it is best to take the face-to-face approach, take the initiative to take responsibility and properly deal with the problems after the breakup.
(3) the party being broken up to face the reality, accept that love has come to an end this end, while self-reflection, thinking about their own shortcomings, to promote their own growth.
III. How to heal love wounds
As the saying goes, “People who fall in love are fools, and people who fall out of love are crazy.” Losing love is a painful thing for most people and is a special emotional experience. If you ask people what it’s like to fall out of love, everyone has a unique understanding. Some people say, “Losing love is like having a knife stuck in your heart, it hurts when you move.” Some people say, “Losing love is like eating sour ice cream, the heart is sour, cold, so people can not bear.” Some even said, “It feels like a very familiar person passed away.”
Psychological crisis of lost love
The most obvious discomfort after a person falls out of love is that a psychological crisis of loss can occur. A breakup psychological crisis is a change in mood, cognition, and behavior of one party due to the loss of another party’s affection.
Some people experience great sadness and pain after a sudden loss, followed by anger and despair, which may lead to reckless and abnormal behavior, such as suicide, martyrdom, or revenge against others. Some people tend to take their negative emotions out on other people or things, such as feeling bad about everything and getting angry easily, and this unwarranted anger often leads to radical behavior.
Therefore, the psychological loss of love can be summarized as the following four: inferiority complex, sadness, loss of psychology, revenge psychology.
1. Inferiority complex. The lost love often think they are abandoned because they are worthless, so they fall into an emotional state of inferiority, discouragement, and even fear of meeting people. The lost love will be in a state of painful loss of balance, long-term this will lead to frustration, depression, and in serious cases, schizophrenia and even mental disorders.
2. Grief psychology. The intensity of its symptom expression is proportional to the degree of emotional investment in the object of love by the lost love. Under the tremendous psychological pressure of the frustration of lost love, and under the psychological shadow of failure and feelings of inferiority, the person may fall into a painful mood and cannot extricate himself.
3. The psychology of loss. The more sure of the existence of love when in passionate love, the stronger the sense of emptiness after the loss of love. The lost love feel small, anxious, helpless, unable to get rid of the pain of lost love, but also afraid to face the reality; some people will also choose to give up on themselves, the school, the future can not take into account, and even internalized into self-torture.
4. revenge psychology. Some people will begin to have a one-sided understanding of love, or because of the serious suffered the blow of lost love and the formation of deformed love psychology, so that they lose their sanity and make extreme behavior, and even illegal crime.
Love Loss Adjustment
How do we adjust to such negative emotions caused by the loss of love? Perhaps we can start with the following three aspects – stop, think, and do.
“Stopping” means to stop paying attention to everything related to the other person and to let yourself go for a while.
For people after a breakup, the first step is to stop paying attention to everything related to the other person. This is because the other person’s dynamic may make your emotions more negative and make it more difficult for you to come out. For example, if he posts a familiar photo, it may stir up memories for you. So you need to stay away from everything related to him to avoid touching the scene.
Furthermore, clean up your life, pack and organize the things belonging to the other person and put them in a corner that is usually hard to reach (or throw them all away), re-establish order in your life, arrange your favorite plants, pictures, and items, and run your own life. Get yourself back into your own life and take charge of it.
Finally, after a breakup, people may lack sanity and may dwell on the pain for a long time or still have thoughts of making up with the other person. Therefore, this time you have to give yourself some time, quiet, empty yourself, let yourself have a window period, do not rush into the next relationship.
You can choose to read a few books seriously at this stage to divert your attention. Reading a book is a very good way to calm people down. You can also choose to keep a journal, which at this time is the best garbage can to suck away your frustration and stress, and by the way, your tears and snot.
Think about it
“Think about it” consists of two parts, namely self-compassion and self-reflection.
Self-soothing. In order to relieve the pain inside, people should learn to comfort themselves. First, apply the “sour grapes effect”, think more about some of the shortcomings of the former lover, do not want to or less think about the advantages of the other party, which helps to break the idealization tendency, so that they can more easily forget each other. Secondly, you can apply the “sweet lemon effect”, list out all the advantages of yourself, find out the good things about yourself, believe that you are good and will meet a better person, which will help you regain self-confidence and thus reduce your pain. Self-soothing is a good way to relieve the pain of the lost love, through this way, the lost love can achieve the purpose of self-regulation, self-defense.
Self-reflection. After emptying yourself, you can do some self-reflection and think about what caused the end of the relationship. Perhaps the reason is not important, what is important is what we learned from the relationship and what we want to avoid in the next relationship.
What you need to do after a breakup is not to forget the other person, but to remember yourself. Doing self-reflection is a great way to remember yourself. You can try asking yourself: What kind of person am I? What is the problem? Is it a communication style or a difference in values? In reflection, it is possible to distill the power of growth from which you can retrieve your capacity for gratitude and accelerate the repair of your psychological wounds.
Forgive the past, reconcile with it, try to start over, chart a path, do something different.
When you were in love you may have focused all your attention on your lover and neglected your parents. You need to care more about your parents, because it is their selfless love that shines brightest. They can reassure you that something more tangible and precious was overlooked before and can make you feel that something more important than love is close by, making you feel cared for and warm again and regaining your strength for life.
Going out with good friends and sharing the joys of life with them will make you forget many unhappy times. You can go on trips together, to places that you once wanted to go but never had the chance to. Going to places you want to go with a close friend will make your mood much lighter.
Focus on one thing and let it take up your time.
People who have fallen out of love should understand that there are many more things they can do, and here are just a few of the common ones mentioned. No matter what you do, in a word, be yourself, keep the mindset of loving life, loving others, loving nature, accepting the same care and help from others graciously, welcoming a new life, and starting a more sunny and transparent life.
As a very hot quote on Weibo says: lost love is just the past gone, there is still a lot of goodness waiting for us in the future. When others do not love us, we have to love ourselves more.
(1) Individuals who fall out of love will suffer great emotional grief and pain, and will develop one or more kinds of lost love psychology, including low self-esteem, sadness, loss, and revenge.
(2) The negative emotions caused by the loss of love will not only have a negative impact on the life of the individual, but in serious cases can also lead to the loss of love to commit a crime. Therefore, it is important to actively self-adjust after a breakup. You can start in three ways – stop, think, and do.
IV, the meaning of lost love is to grow
What is brought to us by the loss of love? Hysterical crying? The binge eating that doesn’t care about the body? No one wants to care about the cold? Or is it to close yourself to the outside world?
These are all negative aspects. However, “the lost horse is not a blessing”, look at it another way, lost love is not a positive thing. Although it is indeed sad, but the loss of love often brings a profound self-examination of the soul. This process is an important step in our growth.
Many people who have come out of a breakup will say.
The first thing I realized after the breakup was that I was so self-absorbed that I didn’t know how to give.
After a breakup, they realize that the kindness of others to them is not taken for granted and that they should learn to cherish it.
The first thing you need to know is what you want and what you don’t want.
This is the way, while dealing with the pain, while growing.
Lost love makes us know: cherish, in order to continue the happiness between each other
The moment you break up, you give up taking these things for granted: the warmth of physical contact, the chatting on call when you’re bored, and even certain things that seem utilitarian and you didn’t care about – opportunities and information… …
So, when you understand the pain of loss, after that you will cherish the people and things around you.
Lost love let us understand: in this love, their own mistakes where
People are different from each other, and each person’s needs for love are different. Besides equality and mutual care, do you know what the other person wants?
It is said that true love is not about giving him/her the best, but about giving him/her what he/she needs. Just like the love of Lao-san to Jing-qiu in “The Love of Hawthorn Tree”: Jing-qiu had no sportswear for gym class, so Lao-san quietly bought a sportswear; Jing-qiu had no rubber shoes, so Lao-san quietly bought rubber shoes; Jing-qiu’s mother needed icing sugar and walnuts to treat her illness, so Lao-san sent someone to bring icing sugar and walnuts ……
And what about the phenomenon around us? The boys set candles under the dormitory building to show their love to the girls, but the girls do not like such a high profile, because it seriously affects her life; girls find him chatting when the boys are busy, but also must reply, do not reply to complain, which actually causes a lot of trouble to the boys’ work.
You think this is a set-up, but in fact it is a mistake.
In a relationship, it is the heart that impresses the other person, not the tricks.
In a relationship, you may be immersed in your own thoughts. After the breakup, but you can better reflect on what you did in the relationship, to be able to carefully recall the other party has asked you, had a complaint, and can find answers from it, to understand where they were wrong.
The breakup made us realize that the basis of love is respect for each other
I used to wonder why some people could be so cruel as to abandon years of relationship and break up with the person they loved so much. Some people say that it is because they have been together for a long time and gradually understood each other that they found themselves in the relationship and could not see a way out. This is like the love boat originally moored in the river of love, but one day found the river iced over, making the boat unable to move, only to despair in the dark.
Both people in love should not be stingy in giving warmth to each other, if you make each other feel cold, then your relationship will have problems. If it is unintentional, as long as there is mutual understanding between each other, then neither party will take it too seriously. But if it is intentional to let yourself pretend to be cold, the bones think they are superior, and only demand not to give, not to give, then one day you will squeeze each other’s warmth out, so that your relationship to the end.
Therefore, people have to put themselves in the right position in love. If doing something for the other person is a sign of love, then an equal position between two people is a possibility of love, because the basis of love is respect for each other.
Lost love makes us accept: give up the fantasy, the reality is beautiful
After experiencing love, girls will find that Prince Charming only exists in fairy tales and beautiful dreams, surrounded by more macho him and childish him. After experiencing love, boys will also find that falling in love is not a fight between two people or a speculative chat, but to work for their future with each other and be responsible for each other’s lives.
Love isn’t perfect. Even if we are together, it does not mean forever, and “forever” needs to be created together.
People aren’t perfect. Just as you can be selfish and lazy at times, unwilling to give and change, so can your he/she. This can be said to be a common problem for many people, so few people can be perfect. So when what you see as perfect is not beautiful for him/her, you know that this person is not for you and you should let go.
The breakup lets us let go: accept each other’s inappropriateness and let go when it’s time to let go
When breaking up, there are two questions that always come up again and again – “why” and “why”. Both of these questions show the unwillingness of the person being broken up with. In this relationship, people obviously gave a lot, why do they have to face the end of being abandoned? Unwillingness! This may make you feel worthless, as if you were thrown into the rubble, worthless. Your self-esteem is shattered and you repeatedly ask if you are really that bad.
Before you think about this, perhaps you can think about the following question. What are some of the things you are using now that you have been using since you were a child? Why don’t you use them anymore? The answer may be because you don’t like it anymore, maybe you found something more suitable, or because something is broken. It’s like our love, over time, which provides the answer to your disbelief – it’s not that you’re bad, it’s that you’re not right.
In a relationship, time passes, and in the passing time, he/she has grown up, but you can’t keep up; or conversely, he/she can’t keep up with you. Naturally, we can’t blame the one who grew up, nor can we blame the one who didn’t keep up; you just don’t fit anymore.
So, people don’t have to easily deny their worth because of lost love. More often than not, the reason is just not suitable.
People are emotional, so everyone is likely to have lost themselves in the world of relationships. No matter who you are, only after experiencing that pain will you know what love is, only after experiencing separation will you know how to cherish it, and only after stumbling around will you mature.
(1) Perhaps the loss of love means the end of the relationship between men and women, meaning that your relationship comes to an end; perhaps the loss of love will make the party in love hurt, pain, depression and even overreaction. But the loss of love will allow those who have experienced it to learn a lot from it and be ready for the next time to find someone more suitable.
(2) Lost love brings us not only sadness, but more growth. Therefore, love is passionate, not love is strong, lost love and breakups are small things, like burying you in the earth, while you will learn how to bloom a tenacious flower.