A survey shows that men and women in love believe that the most obvious manifestation of their love for each other is to keep their distance from other people of the opposite sex. The topic of “boyfriend helping other girls to carry luggage” “girlfriend helping other guys to bring food” can cause a lively discussion every time it is brought out. There is an online story: a couple went to the movies, a girl next to the boy asked the boy to help her unscrew the water bottle, and the boy’s girlfriend kept staring at the boy. So the boy stuck his hand in his pants pocket and said to the girl, “Sorry, I’m disabled.” The boy’s behavior was evaluated with a common phrase, “a strong desire to live”. These phenomena all point to a problem – love, as if it is exclusive, couples in a relationship often want to seek security through exclusivity.
In other words, the love we have in mind should originally be a relationship in pairs, exclusive, so when a third person appears in the relationship, the party in love will feel threatened and uneasy, and the source of this unease is naked jealousy.
Jealousy, a universal experience in love
Jealousy is a common emotion in interpersonal relationships. In real life, everyone must have experienced different degrees of jealousy. When you were a child, you wanted to have the love of your parents alone, so when your parents treated other children a little better, you would feel very uncomfortable and even become hostile to that child, and then try to steal back the attention and love of your parents. This discomfort is jealousy. And in an intimate relationship, jealousy can manifest itself even more prominently. As Saint Augustinus said, “Without jealousy there is no love.”
Jealousy in an intimate relationship is primarily a personal exclusion of love, rooted in the belief of one partner that the partner should be his or her own resource and protected by emotional and operational “violence. In an intimate relationship, the partner is an exclusive interpersonal resource that provides us with spiritual and material nourishment in the form of love and care, and we are naturally alert to the presence of a third party. Our first reaction is to defend our own interests, not allowing our partner to be unfocused and not allowing a third party to make trouble out of it, trying to protect our love.
What jealous people do in intimate relationships is no longer for the happiness of their partners, but for their own selfish desires to last, and to manage and restrict their partners as if they were their own property.
Jealousy is more commonly referred to as “jealousy” in love. In jealousy, the emotional experience is both envious and hostile. If the partner does not fulfill his or her commitment to the relationship, the other partner is hurt and even feels a sense of anxiety because he or she imagines being abandoned. As seen here, jealousy is a negative emotion that comes from having an object or emotion that people hold dear taken away from them by a real or imagined rival. There are three typical emotions of jealousy, one of which is hurt, the other is anger, and the third is fear. In a relationship, we become unconsciously humble because of love. In contrast, jealousy is a mind-set where hurt, anger and fear are intertwined, stemming from the fear of losing what you have or losing a relationship you don’t want to give up.
What makes love jealous
Love is exclusive. Two parties in love are in love, very close, and will see each other as the center of their relationship, believing that there should be no room for anyone else in the other person’s heart. Jealousy arises once one party feels that the other party is showing affection for another person of the opposite sex. For example, if you see your lover talking and laughing with a stranger of the opposite sex, if your lover avoids you when answering phone calls of the opposite sex, or if your lover praises other people of the opposite sex in front of you, you will naturally feel that your love is violated by other people.
Classification of jealousy
There are two main types of jealousy, namely reactive jealousy and suspicious jealousy.
Reactive jealousy is when a couple perceives a threat to their cherished relationship or when there is a crisis in their intimate relationship. This threat may not only occur in the present, but also in the past or in the near future, and this jealousy occurs from time to time. In a survey of 700 college students in the United States, two-thirds of the men and half of the women admitted to having been intimate with another person of the opposite sex during the course of a hot relationship, and some of them more than once.
Suspicious jealousy, compared to reactive jealousy, is an undesirable type of jealousy. This suspicion is not true. When you develop skeptical jealousy, it creates apprehension and suspicion, and these psychologies cause you to pry into the other person’s privacy, hoping to gain some evidence in the process of prying that will help you confirm your suspicions. For example, if your lover comes home late because he or she is working late, you will speculate whether the other person has gone on a date; you think the person of the opposite sex next to your lover is a third party, but in fact it is only a relative of the other person. Overall, this kind of jealousy is very unpleasant, unsettling, and accompanied by hurt, anger and fear. In extreme jealousy, people tend to do things that are detrimental to intimacy, such as checking the other person’s cell phone, asking questions about what is going on, restricting the other person’s personal freedom in various ways, stalking, and even violence, such as domestic violence and violence against the third party. The interpersonal harm caused by such jealousy is considerable. This kind of suspicious jealousy is especially likely to occur among couples who lack security and trust.
We need to learn to distinguish between these two kinds of jealousy. When we find out that a couple has betrayed us, we are all very angry, and this anger may continue for a long time. At this point, this reactive jealousy turns into suspicious jealousy, which can be harmful. For example, if you previously knew that your partner had cheated on you in the course of a passionate love affair with yourself, then you will be insecure and sensitive in your subsequent relationship; once the other party has changed something, you will feel that its not cheating, thus interrogating and snooping on it, etc. These behaviors will make the intimate relationship between the couple gradually become distant and cold.
Jealousy is a double-edged sword
Although jealousy is a negative emotional feeling, and this emotion is common whether between couples or between relatives, classmates or friends, it is not always negative that jealousy causes. An analysis of magazine articles from 1945 to 1985 shows that in the 1950s and 1960s, jealousy was often seen as a testimony of love and beneficial to the relationship between partners. If you were never jealous in a relationship, it probably meant that you didn’t care that much about the other person. By the 1970s and 1980s, this view had shifted and people began to see jealousy as an unhealthy psychological state, a sign of insecurity in the mind. Nowadays, people have a more comprehensive view of jealousy as a “double-edged sword” that is good for the expression of love on the one hand, but can harm intimate relationships on the other. Therefore, we should learn to grasp jealousy and learn how to be appropriately “jealous” in order to enhance the feelings between intimate partners.
How to handle “jealousy” between lovers
Love is supposed to be free. Lovers depend on each other, but they should also have their own space. As the famous psychologist Fromm said: love experienced in a way that focuses on possession is the restriction, bondage and control of the object of “love”. Such love only stifles feelings, suffocates, numbs, and destroys rather than promotes human vitality.
In other words, we need to give love back its freedom. In an intimate relationship, we have the extra attention of our lover, but jealousy can turn that possession into a possession, trying to make the lover our own. In the domination of jealousy, you want your lover alone to provide you with all the sustenance of human interaction, and at the same time you want the other person to get all the emotional satisfaction from you alone, which is obviously contrary to reality. Because, apart from love, everyone needs to have other emotions so as to maintain basic social interaction with other people, and needs appreciation from other people besides getting approval and love from you.
Therefore, you should treat your jealousy correctly and not let your jealousy prevent the normal breathing of your lover’s heart. Maybe some small feelings of jealousy are harmless, but be careful not to let jealousy bind your relationship. If you don’t want to be manipulated by jealousy, you can try the following changes.
1. To control jealousy, you must treat your lover with equality, respect each other’s personality and freedom, and reduce unwarranted suspicion and harm to your partner.
2. The more selfish components there are in love, the stronger jealousy will be expressed. Break the idea of selfishness and exclusivity, and don’t look at your lover as your own appendage, so as to avoid innocent harm.
3. Face jealousy and express your worries and fears directly to your lover. Don’t hide jealousy in your heart and ferment it, but discuss the problems arising from jealousy with your lover in order to exclude the crisis in intimate relationship.
4. Stop blaming and shaming. When one partner in an intimate relationship begins to develop jealousy, both parties are caught in a cycle of intense accusations and defensive defenses. To break this cycle, the accusing party needs to stop blaming and the defending party needs to abandon shame.
The process of getting along with two people is originally very complicated, and the process needs to be honed and explored by both parties in the relationship together. A healthy love is not only about intimacy, but also about mutual independence and respect; it is not only about relying on each other, but also about giving each other freedom and allowing both parties to have their own space. Of course, it is important to stick to certain principles and not to lose yourself because of jealousy. It is also important to discuss more about jealousy issues, such as each other’s principles and feelings.
Dear you, you must know that the creation of jealousy is not terrible, and you should be good at using jealousy to improve intimate relationships. But if we don’t restrain excessive jealousy, we risk driving our loved ones away from us. Don’t let jealousy become a beast that destroys love.
(1) In an intimate relationship, jealousy, or “jealousy” as it is commonly called, is an emotional reaction to having one’s intimate relationship threatened by a real or imaginary rival.
(2) Jealousy is a painful emotion, and most people do not want to admit that they are experiencing it. But jealousy also has some positive aspects, and it can be a catalyst for an intimate relationship.
(3) Jealousy can be a healthy emotion or it can be a beast that destroys love. It is a force that is both constructive and destructive at the same time, and we need to learn to use this force to enhance intimate relationships.
(4) Don’t let jealousy bind your relationship with your lover, but give love the freedom it needs.