Some time ago, I had a student and his girlfriend break up, because he said to his girlfriend that he was going out to a party, and deliberately stressed that all the boys present. But near the end of the party he ran into his girlfriend and was caught with him partying with a few girls in addition to boys. His girlfriend was very angry and said to him, “It’s okay for you to go out and party with girls, but I can’t accept you lying to me! And what’s there to lie about?”
This phenomenon is very common in relationships, and in fact we as bystanders can understand this student, who lied just to avoid the trouble of explaining, but didn’t expect to cause more trouble. And from his girlfriend’s point of view, her anger is also justified because many people confess that the most intolerable behavior they can’t stand in a relationship is lying. For them, honesty is the bottom line of maintaining a close relationship.
People lie to their partners, especially when it comes to topics that damage their reputation or their relationship, and they are more likely to lie to their closest partners.
An experiment was done to investigate which stage of a person’s life they lie the most, and it was found that men and women in love are the most likely to lie. Lying is an uninvited guest in a relationship and can affect the intimacy between lovers. In intimate relationships, honesty, trust and self-expression play a vital role in maintaining the relationship, but people tend to intentionally hide the truth from each other, expecting that the other party’s good feelings for them can continue, so as to maintain the intimate relationship between them.
There is good and evil in lying
Although the biggest deceptions people make tend to happen more often in their own intimate relationships, people are less likely to tell selfish lies to their lovers than to their acquaintances or strangers in general, and often tell lies of good intent. Of course, there are two forms of lies between lovers – well-intentioned lies and malicious lies.
A good-faith lie in a relationship is when one lover lies to the other for the purpose of maintaining the relationship. However, the starting point of the liar is divided into good intentioned and malicious. The liar is out of consideration for the other party’s purpose, that the lie is beneficial to the lover, conducive to the stability of the relationship, and in fact does not cause harm to the other party, this is a good-intentioned lie; and if the liar is out of consideration for their own interests and deliberately deceive the other party, and brought harm to the other party, this lie is a malicious lie. Research shows that malicious lies can indeed cause serious harm to the relationship between lovers, especially to their trust and happiness, and can even damage the relationship.
The motivation for a well-intentioned lie differs from that of a malicious one, if the lie is for oneself, for example, to avoid embarrassment, guilt, or inconvenience, or to seek approval or material gain, and would hurt the feelings or interests of others. In intimate relationships, people lie less self-interestedly and more often out of consideration for the relationship, for example, to avoid conflict in order to maintain the relationship between the two people; to exaggerate their advantages in order to enhance their attraction to each other; to create a “truth” that can be accepted by the other person by lying if they think they are not meeting the expectations of the other person “, and so on.
Intimate attachment must be based on sincerity and trust, which is like a bank, trust overdraft will only lead to a decline in personal credibility and say anything like a lie. Many men lie to their wives merely to reduce conflict, avoid arguments and maintain harmony. However, can lies really settle things down, avoid arguments, and make the relationship between partners more harmonious? There is no definitive answer to this question. Because continuous lying, even if it is well-intentioned, can also damage the relationship and even break it up. Therefore, we do not accept that a well-intentioned lie by a partner is necessarily a good one. But it is undeniable that not all lies are worth your disappointment and even your anger; not all lies are worth your doubts about the sincerity of your partner’s love for you and you will never trust them again. With regard to lies in relationships, the public generally rates good lies higher than malicious ones, and people can forgive some good lies.
Detect if your he/she is lying
Some lies are best not to expose it, because telling such a lie does not mean dishonesty, but rather a thirst to be loved, expressing a sincerity – I care about your feelings, I wish I could be closer to you, I don’t want you to be angry ……
However, there are some lies that need to be detected by us. So how do we keenly detect when the other person is lying in our daily lives?
The truth is that there can be large individual differences in the signs of whether a person is lying or not. People’s habits and styles vary greatly. Some people will stammer when they lie, while others will appear unusually sure; some people like to make eye contact when they speak, while others rarely look into the eyes of others. If these usual behavioral patterns change, then it usually indicates that they are lying. In addition to this, during the course of the interaction, the deceptive behavior may change as the deceiver continues to adjust his or her behavior and will gradually adapt to the receiver’s response. The longer the deceptive interaction goes on, the less obvious a person’s lying becomes. So the probability of recognizing each other’s lies is also very low.
Intimate couples know each other well enough to make keen judgments about each other’s behavior, and they trust each other enough to create a “truth bias” between them. This means that sometimes people think their partner is being honest, but in fact the other partner is lying.
One study found that as a relationship develops, women are actually better at detecting deception between partners because they are better able to understand the non-verbal behavior. However, on the flip side, women are more likely to trust others, and they will not believe that the other person is cheating on her much of the time.
Malicious Lies in Relationships
Have you ever met or heard a story in your life where someone says to his girlfriend, “I like you a lot, but my mom won’t like you, so don’t let anyone know about us being together, okay?” Someone who claims they are divorced but won’t show the divorce papers to their new lover, and may say they lost them and can’t find them.
All of these examples exemplify the malicious lie in relationships: everything is motivated by possession, yet you don’t want to really be responsible.
When as a bureau, we will not see the truth behind these lies because of love, but the onlooker is very clear – these lies, you do not recognize, waiting for you only sad.
Some people have two boats on their feet, but lie to each other: often together that the opposite sex is just ordinary friends or colleagues; some people are addicted to gambling, but lie to their lovers that their relatives are seriously ill and need a lot of money; some people admit their mistakes on their lips, but the action remains, still cheat and hurt others ……
This is another form of malicious lies in love: hidden with a clear purpose.
For such a lie, once you will recognize it, you should firmly leave. The other person’s deception is purposeful harm, the best way to deal with this is not to waste time for such people, it is better to brush off in style.
The above is just two common forms of malicious lies, the others require us to keep our eyes open in a relationship to detect. Malicious lies often mean that the liar is no longer firmly in love in the relationship. When you encounter one, make yourself face the reality and do not self-deceive. While lying to yourself can ease momentary heartbreak, it can turn into an addictive poison. It is better to accept the reality and start over. Malicious lies are not cute at all; they are a hint in themselves, suggesting that the person is simply not worth loving and not worth another second of time.
There is no doubt that we all want the person to whom we have given our love and trust to be honest with us; we also believe that a good intimate relationship should be honest and trusting to each other. But lies in relationships are inevitable. Some lies in intimate relationships are to excuse ourselves, some are to hide the truth, some are to be loved, and some are to possess …… Different motives determine whether we want to treat them with open or closed eyes. 90% of sweet words are not true, but you want to believe them; while some small lies are to love you, but become un Forgiven deception; some lies need time to prove its goodness, while some lies need to be hidden for a lifetime …… we want to become a wise person when we cross with lies, we have to take a good look at the motives of those lies, not the lies themselves.
(1) In a relationship, lying is the norm.
(2) There are good and bad lies in a relationship, good lies are for the sake of a closer relationship, while bad lies are for self-interest.
(3) In a relationship, we have to judge whether the other person is lying on the one hand, on the other hand, we have to recognize the malicious lies.
— EOF —