Why does Mr. and Mrs. quarrel and Mr. speak 1 word while Mrs. speaks 10 words?
Why is it that after a fight between Mr. and Mrs., the wife is still angry while the husband is already sleeping?
Why is the class president mostly a girl until the sixth grade?
Why generally speaking girls pay attention to details and boys pay more attention to the whole?
These are common little things in our lives, but they reflect such big differences between men and women. I wonder if you’ve noticed: when making the same decision, people of different genders tend to get different advice. Taking a name, wearing clothes, buying things, taking care of the house, choosing a profession, finding a job, socializing, furthering your education, seeking a raise or promotion, falling in love, getting married, dividing the work in the family, choosing a hobby ……
Or, people who do the same thing will be evaluated differently depending on their gender. For example, to some people, a female doctor is a “third person”. Women in high positions or with busy schedules are asked “how to balance family and work”. In a family where the wife has a higher salary, it is inevitable that there will be enthusiastic people who are concerned about the husband’s family status and mental health.
These gender-related differences show that we are still living in a time when men and women are very different. But how big is this difference, exactly?
Let’s explore it together.
I. Recognizing your gender role
An exploration of the big differences between men and women can begin with understanding our own gender roles. Every person, male or female, has a gender role that belongs to them. How do we recognize our gender roles? How do we deal with our own gender role problems?
Gender roles, as the name implies, are the roles that men and women play. We develop specific behaviors and thought patterns based on our gender and historical and social definitions.
Why do we have gender roles?
Whether you admit it or not, there are always different expectations for different genders. Boys, young men, and fathers …… are always associated with masculinity and strength, while girls, young women, and mothers are always associated with femininity. When a person meets the gender expectations in people’s mind, we say he has masculinity or femininity. We can’t imagine a man who walks with a twisted hips can give a sense of gender beauty, while a woman who does so is flirtatious and feminine. When a man speaks softly, he may get the comment “sissy”, which I am afraid is a mockery or humiliation of a man. But strangely enough, when a woman speaks and acts decisively, we are mostly evaluating her from a positive perspective. Our society seems to appreciate this type of woman. You could say that gender roles are a product of society and culture. As long as you grow up in a social culture, you will more or less develop a specific gender consciousness. Gender role identity is an important experience in the process of socialization and is important for a person’s growth and maturity.
The boundaries of gender roles are gradually becoming blurred
With the change in the way of work in modern society and the opening of people’s mindset, more and more adult women are participating in social activities and engaging in traditional occupations that used to belong to men, while men are starting to share some of the household work that women used to do all the time. In addition, the changes are also reflected in people’s hairstyle, dress and behavior. For example, some men grew their hair long and wore brightly colored clothes, while women kept their hair short and wore men’s clothes, resulting in a drastic change in the behavioral norms of gender roles. This change is further integrated into contemporary society and accepted as part of the culture of contemporary society.
The gradual blurring of the boundaries of gender roles has also caused some disturbances, such as the choice of profession. When we mention professions such as kindergarten teachers and nurses, we always think of women. Whenever the media reports that men are engaged in such professions, many people find it strange, and this can lead many men who love the profession to stay away from their favorite professions because of the world’s eyes and the controversial public opinion.
How to Deal with Gender Role Concerns
I think there are a few things you can do when dealing with gender role issues.
1. Believe in the undeniable fact that you are biologically male or female. Be confident and identify with your gender.
2. Consciously develop the qualities of decisiveness and strength. When a person is decisive and strong, he or she is less likely to have doubts about whether what he or she is doing conforms to the traditional definition of his or her gender, or whether his or her choices will be accepted by society.
3. consciously more contact with same-sex friends, from him / them to replenish energy. Same-sex relationships and communication allow people to increase their understanding of their own gender, and to recognize from a different perspective that some of their choices are simply a matter of adaptation.
4. Be happy with the aspects of yourself that carry characteristics of the opposite sex, such as attentiveness, sentimentality, etc. Believe that this is part of becoming a complete self, and please don’t reject it, let alone be ashamed of it.
(1) Gender role is a behavior and thought pattern depending on gender, to recognize your own gender and enhance your gender role identity.
(2) Gender role identity is an important part of a person’s socialization process, for a person’s growth and maturity has important significance, for the relationship between the two parties in the emotional orientation also has a very important role.
(3) Resolving gender role distress in relationships can be done in the following four ways.
-Identifying with one’s gender.
-Consciously developing the qualities of decisiveness and strength
-More contact with friends of the same sex
-Adapting to the aspects of yourself that are characteristic of the opposite sex and transforming them into your strengths.
II. Physiological differences between the sexes
Erikson said that physiology is destiny. Understand the biological differences between men and women so that you can be better with each other. Do not easily think that women are too delicate to suffer and do heavy work; and do not think that men are not willing to open up, sometimes men also need support and help.
Different brain structures
Men and women have very different brain structures, and this natural phenomenon is not new to many people. However, when asked what the specific differences are, few people can give an accurate answer. So, what exactly are the differences between male and female brains? Do these differences have some impact on the behavior of the two sexes?
1. Men and women have different brain weights
In order to correct the bias caused by the greater weight of men, scientists often use the same weight, the same body surface skin area of men and women for comparison. The results show that the difference in brain weight between the two is about 100 grams. Whether this difference in brain weight will have an impact on IQ is a point that has been hotly debated in the scientific community. However, the results so far have confirmed that brain weight is not necessarily related to IQ level. Based on this conclusion, there is no reason to think that men with more weight in their brains than women will have higher IQs than women.
2. The parts of the brain related to sexual behavior are different for men and women
While the fetus is in the mother’s body, the spermatogonial ovaries of the male and the ovaries of the female are already present. In the limbic lobe of the brain related to sexual behavior, the number of nerve cells is higher in males. This is the part of the brain that relates to gender self-perception. People’s judgment of whether they are male or female is mainly influenced by the number of nerve cells in this part of the brain.
3. There are also significant differences between men and women in the language part of the brain
Professor Sundra Uiteruson of McMaster University in Canada conducted research in this area by performing anatomical analyses on volunteers who were willing to donate their brains after death. She told the audience that the area of the human brain responsible for understanding the content of a conversation or the meaning of words is called the Wernicke’s area. In this area, women have 12 percent more nerve cells than men. This finding is a good way to understand why females are much more articulate than males. It is also true that in early childhood, girls generally speak before boys and learn language better than boys. In adulthood, this difference is also more evident in the fluency of language and the comprehension of words, where women appear to excel than men.
For example, in some short entertainment videos that have recently become popular, girls send 10 WeChat messages and boys may only reply to one, and the language used in the reply is usually “hmm”, “oh”, “okay “These very simple words. This time the girl will think, he does not love me anymore? Does he simply not take me to heart?
This is not the case, this is caused by the different control areas of emotional language in the brains of men and women. When talking, men use only one half of the brain, while women use both halves. Studies have shown that when men and women are reading and making sentences, only the left front brain is intensely active in men, while women have large areas of the brain that are intensely active in both halves. The division of labor between the two halves of the brain is different, the left half of the brain is more inclined to understanding, the right half of the brain is more inclined to emotion. Because women mobilize more brain areas when processing language, and because both halves of the brain are involved at the same time, their language skills are naturally stronger than those of men. As Professor Honglan says, “The average male speaks 7,000 words a day, while a female speaks 20,000 words.” A woman is better at putting her emotions into words, which means that most of the time, a woman speaks to express emotions, while a man speaks to convey information.
Different brain activity
In 2005, Dr. Richard Hale, a professor at the University of California, administered an IQ test to 48 students, and immediately after the test, the students’ brains were scanned with an MRI. It was found that the scans of the male and female brains were completely different, with the male students using the entire brain in the test and the female students using mainly the front part of the brain (the front lobes). Even when boys and girls had the same test scores, their brain scans were different, showing high density images of brain cells in different areas of the brain. This means that men and women use completely different parts of the brain when thinking about problems, and the higher the density of brain cells in a particular area, the more frequently that area is used.
This difference in the part of the brain thinking, then caused men and women to think in different ways and results. I don’t know if you’ve noticed, in our lives, boys seem to have a stronger sense of direction. Especially when we ask for directions, boys tend to use the southeast and northwest to point the way, while girls like to use the left and right with the sign. For example, when you travel to a place and want to go to the nearest convenience store, boys will usually say, “Go five kilometers on Zhongshan Road and turn east, then go three kilometers along Jianguo Road and turn west.” Whereas a girl will say, “Go ahead, turn right when you see a church, turn left again when you see McDonald’s, and behind that parking lot on your right, that red house is what you’re looking for.” The girl can’t understand the guy’s directions, and the guy will think the girl is too verbose.
In our cerebral cortex, which is mainly responsible for processing visual information, there are two visual cortexes related to orientation: the visual cortex that processes colors and landmarks and the visual cortex that processes distance and orientation. The visual cortex that processes color and landmarks is larger in girls than in boys, so girls tend to use color and landmarks when judging orientation; while in the male brain, the visual cortex that processes distance and orientation is larger, so boys will use distance and orientation when pointing the way.
Different body structure
According to legend, God first created Adam, the originator of mankind, and then took Adam’s ribs to create Eve, who was sensitive and delicate by nature. In fact, women are not the legendary God created from the man’s rib, they have some essential differences in physiology with men.
The differences between the two sexes in terms of genital structure are the most fundamental markers of their respective sexes, and these differences are known as the first sex characteristics.
In both sexes, at puberty, a series of gender-related characteristics emerge due to the influence of sex hormones secreted by the gonads, which we call secondary sexual characteristics. In males, secondary sexual characteristics include a tall, muscular physique, dense sweat hair, a long beard, a prominent throat, a low voice, and so on. In women, the pelvis is wide, the mammary glands are well developed, the body is full because of the subcutaneous fat, the voice is fine, and so on. These changes in body shape have physiological significance: a wide pelvis is good for childbirth, and a well-developed mammary gland is necessary for breastfeeding. The development and maintenance of secondary sexual characteristics is the result of the action of sex hormones.
Men’s body structure has advantages over women in terms of bone and muscle development, so generally men are strong and powerful, and can withstand heavier physical labor and stronger athletic loads. Men’s flexibility is naturally less than women, for pain tolerance is not as strong as women. So from another point of view, men’s hearts are actually not always strong, and many times need the assistance of women.
(1) Different brain structures make the two parties in a relationship differ in terms of language expression, emotional processing and awareness of sex.
(2) Different brain activity makes the two sides in a relationship have different ways of thinking and expressing things in a relationship.
(3) The different body structures of men and women are a basis for love and mutual attraction, and play different roles in love and sexual life.
III. Psychological differences between the sexes
There are many innate differences between men and women due to differences in the physiological structure of the brain, and these differences in turn give rise to differences in thinking between the sexes. Guided by different ways of thinking and influenced by social traditions, men and women then develop some extremely different psychological characteristics. As John Gray, an American marriage expert, describes it, “Men are from Mars, women are from Venus.” A thorough understanding of the psychology of men and women is an important stepping stone to successful relationships and marriages.
Motivation for Achievement
Men and women live in the same world and see the same world, but the achievement orientation is very different. The differences are generally manifested in: men like to do things and deal with things; women like to communicate and deal with people.
As I have already analyzed in the second section of this chapter, this difference comes down to differences in the brain structure of the two sexes. Baby girls’ brains are structured so that they are more responsive to people and faces, prefer to look into people’s eyes, and spend two or three times longer in eye contact with adults than do baby boys. In contrast, the brains of male infants respond to objects and their shapes, preferring to look at moving toys, and irregular objects. After continuous reinforcement in early childhood, adolescence and young adulthood, the psychological characteristics of the world for both sexes are gradually formed, i.e. males are interested in the way things work and females are interested in the relationships between people.
Men and women also differ in terms of their psychological needs, and they differ greatly. Most men and women are not aware that they have different psychological needs from each other. The man gives what the man wants and the woman gives what the woman wants. As a result, neither side is satisfied. The truth is, they both give love, but neither is the kind the other wants.
1. Women’s psychological needs
On the whole, most women satisfy their psychological needs by getting along with others and having intimate interactions. It is easy to see that in small groups of women who get along well with each other, where there is no obvious leader, chatting is an important way for them to run their relationships, and each woman can share her secrets with her close friends. Regarding the content of the chat, women often talk about who they like, how they behave, with whom they are in trouble, as well as about interpersonal relations at work and other topics related to relationships. The psychological needs of women in a relationship are as follows.
(1) The need to be cared for from time to time.
(2) The need to be constantly affirmed. She may repeatedly ask if you love her, but in fact she just needs constant affirmation from others.
(3) The need for ideas to be respected. Women have higher self-esteem and wariness than men. During the process of getting along, women have strong self-esteem and often try to have their self-esteem satisfied, hoping that their ideas will be respected and approved by the other person.
2. Men’s psychological needs
In contrast to women, men’s psychological needs are not met through interpersonal relationships, but rather from taking control of things. Men like to talk about activities, such as who is doing what career, who is good at what or how something works and other things related to things. Specifically, men are happy to talk about sports, work, news, technology, cars and places they’ve been, and they’re less concerned with how people relate to each other. So, men enjoy gathering at hotels, restaurants and clubs to talk about work and business. The psychological needs of men in a relationship are the following.
(1) their own ability to be affirmed. He is often concerned about the other person’s evaluation of what they do.
(2) talent is appreciated. Maybe he has some hobbies and talents you do not understand, but you still need to learn to respect.
(3) Efforts are appreciated. His efforts to you and to the relationship need to be appreciated. Many men’s need for love is like an ornamental fish that cannot be fed daily or they will overfeed and then be propped up; many women’s need for love is like a bonsai that needs to be watered daily, well ventilated, and should not be exposed to the hot sun.
Communication and communication
Many men often complain: “My girlfriend often blames me for not listening to her attentively, what a grievance! In fact, at the beginning of each time, I listened very attentively to what she said, but when she speaks is too unfocused, the front is talking about this problem, and then suddenly turned to other things.”
This kind of “I don’t know what the other person is talking about” emotion is actually very frustrating for men. But the woman only feels that the man is not listening to her and is therefore very angry.
In conversation, men are often more direct, while women tend to be more subtle. Men prefer to solve problems, while women prefer to focus on feelings. For example, men often complain that women are constantly talking about their problems, while women blame men for never listening. Men’s communication habit is to talk about “results” first. They are used to solving problems by quickly getting to the point and solving it right away, while women are used to emphasizing the “process” by starting at the beginning of everything and only telling the result and the reason for it at the end. Men tend to end the conversation quickly and keep changing the topic, while women prefer to communicate deeply about the same topic. …… These differences not only affect the effectiveness of communication between men and women, hinder the transmission of information and emotions, but also bring about communication difficulties and obstacles, thus causing many misunderstandings and conflicts.
Dr. Deborah Tannen’s research provides important insight into understanding the differences in communication styles between men and women, stating that women use language that builds connection and intimacy, and men use language that establishes status and independence. Thus, when men hear a problem, they often demonstrate their independence and control by offering a solution; in contrast, many women simply ask questions as a way to enhance intimacy. Women ask questions to gain support and connection. Of course, this doesn’t apply to all women and men, it’s just a generalization.
In general, men are used to communicating “results” first, quickly getting to the point and solving it right away. Women, on the other hand, are used to emphasizing the “process” and start at the beginning of everything before finally summarizing the results and reasons for things. They believe that this way of communication can be very careful to tell each other their own journey and feelings, to share with each other, so that the relationship will be more intimate, she can also be relieved of emotions.
Coping with stress
One of the biggest differences between men and women is the way they deal with stress. When stress comes, men’s spirit and will highly concentrated, become silent; women face stress, will be overwhelmed for a while, nervous and easily emotional. Men get rid of stress and get released in a completely different way than women. Unless the problem is solved, he can not rest for a moment. Not so for women, as long as the problem is spoken out, you can get catharsis. The way men and women deal with stress is different, and this is evident.
When men are in a bad mood, they generally keep their thoughts to themselves and rarely confide in anyone, he will worry about adding to the burden of others. He would rather take charge and solve problems independently, unless it is very necessary, he will ask for help. Usually, he will go into the “cave” quickly and without a word. The so-called “cave” is his own world, is the spiritual world of the “hidden place”, is his retreat and rest of the spiritual sanctuary. There, nothing can disturb him. There, he would deliberate and weigh the problems over and over again, with a view to solving them as soon as possible. “The man will often see the light in the “cave” and find a way out, and then feel relieved. He is no longer the “bore” in his partner’s eyes, but a laughing, glowing and energetic person.
When a woman is feeling stressed, she will stay with someone she trusts in order to relax and relieve herself, and talk about her problems in order to escape the grip of negative emotions. She likes to share her feelings with others, which makes her feel good.
To a woman, telling someone what’s on her mind means love and trust. She believes that it should not be a burden from the point of view of the listener. She likes to talk and express her frustration, disappointment, chagrin and exhaustion to make her body and mind more relaxed.
(1) Different motivations for achievement: men like to do things and deal with things; women like to communicate and deal with people. Therefore, in the love life, men and women can be responsible for different matters.
(2) different psychological needs: women’s psychological needs come from getting along with others, intimate interactions, mainly reflected in being cared for from time to time, constantly affirmed, ideas are respected. Men’s psychological needs come from the control of things, mainly reflected in their own ability to be affirmed and talent is appreciated. The two partners in a relationship can work on these aspects to meet each other’s psychological needs.
(3) Both parties in a relationship should communicate and exchange more often to avoid the accumulation of daily conflicts. Since there are differences in communication styles, both parties should learn to think differently in the communication process.
IV, the two sexes in love in different performance
There is an online segment: “If a girl has 20 missed calls on her cell phone, she is happy. If a guy has 20 missed calls on his phone, then he’s dead.” This stereotype is funny, but it is enough to show that men and women in love are always very different.
We can divide relationships into five stages: the caller period, the shaky period, the formal relationship period, the intimate period, and the engagement period (breakup period). And in these five stages, due to the different upbringing, thinking and hormone secretion, men and women usually have different performance.
Male: good feeling first before willing to communicate.
Females: Communicate first before having a good feeling.
It has been said that men are more likely to fall in love at first sight than women. This is because men tend to pay more attention to women’s physical characteristics, and sometimes he will idealize everything about women as long as they look beautiful. However, this is only a psychological or physical impulse, not love. Usually women in love are more focused on the inner world of men, the choice of objects are generally more careful, but if they have a “good” impression of men, will not easily change. This characteristic of girls, from the negative side, sometimes make them do not listen to the advice of others, bent on their own, the consequences.
Male: There are many reasons for wavering.
Women: He is wavering.
We need to realize that swaying is actually normal, and not swaying only means that you are not making a serious choice. Generally speaking, there are many reasons why men sway, such as constantly comparing their current girlfriend with their heart or previous lovers; not being sure if they are capable of making each other happy; not enjoying pursuing each other yet; waiting for a woman’s reaction. Yet, many women are swaying for one reason and one reason only: men are swaying.
At this point, men and women are no longer in contact, both sides are waiting, waiting for who can take that crucial step first, poking the layer of ambiguous window paper …… problems arise, women often can not hold down the urgent mood, put pressure on the male, which can only scare each other, there is no effect. The best strategy for women at this time is to press on, or try to seem passive and active.
Formal relationship period
Men: The need to be known is greater than the need to be loved.
Women: the need to be loved is greater than the need to be understood.
When two people have established a relationship, men need their lovers to understand themselves more, while women want their lovers to love them wholeheartedly. In other words, in a relationship, men need to be understood more, while women want to be loved. If a woman in a relationship does not want to take the time to understand her lover and only wants to love him 100%, then this is not conducive to a healthy intimate relationship. In the TV show “Over the Top”, the hero and heroine argue all day long, does that mean the heroine doesn’t love the hero? She loves, very much, more than she loves herself, and when she steps forward and takes a knife to force the hero to ask: “Do you love me? Say, say you love me!” But only in return for the hero’s fury: “I hate you!” All this shows that, compared to love, men need a lover who understands them. And when faced with a woman’s need for love, men can care a little more, in the details to reflect their love for their lovers, so that each other feel that they are loving her wholeheartedly, in order to make her feel more secure about this intimate relationship.
Men: I not only want psychological satisfaction, I want sex.
Women: I want sensual satisfaction.
When asked “What is love”, most women answered: “Considerate, forgiving, good for each other ……”, while one man surprised everyone in the room by answering with just one word He said – sex.
Yes, in love, men’s feelings often seem more intense and impulsive, in comparison, women’s feelings are shown to be delicate and lingering. Once men like each other, soon there will be a need for intimacy, the desire to kiss and hug more strongly; while women in just like each other, just eager to stay with each other, they are more from the emotion-filled language and eye contact to experience pleasure and satisfaction.
Engagement period (break-up period)
Men: see marriage as an acceptance of obligation.
Women: see marriage as a right to give up.
If engaged to be married
From the moment of engagement, both men and women hope that the marriage will go on happily. When a man decides to get married, it means that he will take care of his lover for the rest of his life from now on. When a woman decides to get married, it means that she will give the key to open the door of her heart to that man only and accept his feelings only. Men express their love by being faithful, and continue their intimate relationship with their lovers by taking responsibility. Women, on the other hand, express love by giving for love and showering their feelings with touch. However, most men see marriage as more of an obligation, and will be less sensitive to love unless he feels a crisis, so in marriage, men are always prone to ignore married life; while women give up part of their rights as girls for marriage, she wants to be held in the palm of her hand forever to love the feeling, so will be on the marriage of “how far is forever ” worried.
If you break up
We’ve heard many different things about what the difference is between men and women after a breakup.
Some people say that women are not decisive when they break up and are desperate after the breakup; men are decisive when they break up and are prone to regret after the breakup.
The difference after a breakup, I think, can not be distinguished by male and female, should be the difference between love and do not love, care and do not care about the difference.
If you are still in love, even if you break up, you still can’t let go of everything about each other, and sometimes it’s hard to say goodbye, it’s like being stabbed by a sharp sword, it takes a long time to recover.
If you don’t love, even if you are still together, you will also ignore each other, the other side laughs he doesn’t care, the other side cries he doesn’t care. This is even more heartbreaking than the indifference between strangers.
Although there are many differences between men and women in love, but has the same two important psychological tasks in love: whether you know more about their own needs, and whether you have learned to love others.
(1) Love is a process, different stages of men and women have different performance, regardless of the stage, “seek common ground while maintaining differences” is the truth to maintain a good relationship.
(2) In a relationship, two people need to focus more on what is consistent and the same with each other, so that they will be more satisfied with the relationship and agree on things. Avoid the situation where “people tend to overestimate differences because they only notice the extremes”.
(3) When understanding the opposite sex, we don’t have to keep asking what the other person is thinking, but put ourselves in the other person’s shoes and think about how I would feel if I were him/her in this situation. Then try to understand in the context of the other person’s family of origin, their upbringing, and their parents’ outlook on life and values. Doing so allows us to understand very accurately how the other person behaves in a relationship.
— EOF —