John Alan Lee, a sociologist at the University of Toronto, Canada, proposed another way to distinguish between different kinds of love in 1973 by classifying love between men and women into six forms: erotic love, playful love, friendship love, attachment love, altruistic love, and realistic love. These six types of love differ markedly in the depth of the couple’s experience, their devotion and commitment to the lover, the characteristics of the lover, and their expectations of the rewards of giving love.
Erotic love, which Lee called “eros,” is a style of love in which those who fall in love have a strong desire to be physically attracted to one another, a style of love that is extremely sensual. Those who aspire to this love see marriage as an extension of the honeymoon, and see sex as the most beautiful experience. People with a strong lust are greatly influenced and influenced by the appearance and looks of others, seeking a fusion of flesh and mind, and they usually choose their lovers based on intuition. At the same time, this love also has the characteristics of romantic love, couples tend to idealize love and pay much attention to the external form of gender interaction. The two people we often see in life, “love at first sight”, generally belong to this kind of love. They may be unrealistic in the eyes of other love styles, or caught up in fantasy. [The latest e-book free sharing community, the group owner V letter 1107308023 add note e-book]
The advantage of lustful love is that it is erotic and the lovers are very relaxed in the process. Its disadvantages are that the attraction is bound to decline and that it is terrible for people to live in a world of fantasy. In extreme cases, erotic love borders on childishness.
The second type of love is playful love (ludus), which exists between some so-called “lovers”. This type of person is very reckless in his or her approach to the relationship and has no commitment to the lover at all. They only satisfy their own desires and needs in the process of love, and have no sense of responsibility or morality towards each other, let alone the desire to develop a deep love and eventually a family with their lovers. Most of them see marriage as a form of bondage and are prone to infidelity, pursuing only the process of inner satisfaction and emotional pleasure, but not commitment. People who play at love are also very fickle, often having several partners at once (or trying to) and seeing sex as a conquest or a pastime. They will commit to one heterosexual relationship after another because they see it as a challenge. As you can see, such people not only lack the minimum sense of responsibility, but also lose the basic morality of being human.
In contrast to playful love, those who are inclined to friendship love (storge) despise strong lust and strive for true affection between two people. This kind of love evolves from pure friendship, and out of deep feelings grows a lasting commitment to each other. This type of person will generally be friends with people similar to themselves, often not realizing when the friendship turns into love. They want their most important significant other to be their best friend, and both parties value spiritual compatibility and mutual growth. In a mutually committed love, there is more care than passion, more trust than jealousy, and there is a seemingly bland but deep and strong love between the couple.
In this type of love, the most striking feature is that the lovers have very high expectations of the relationship, have a lot of demands on each other in terms of affection, are very possessive and have a strong sense of exclusivity. People who are in dependent love (mania) tend to be addicted to the relationship between two people, have very strong feelings for the object of their love, and at the same time, expect the other person to respond in the same way. These people tend to have a low level of self-esteem and often feel intense anxiety and jealousy. Because of their passionate and obsessive feelings, frenzied lovers often make coercive demands on the other person and exhibit possessive behavior. If the other person neglects them, they will become suspicious and insecure, so we can also call dependent love “possessive love”.
Lovers who are inclined to altruistic love (agape) are self-sacrificing, have a great tolerance for their loved ones, support their love with great spiritual strength, and are willing to give themselves to love. They are very loyal to their partner, always avoiding causing discomfort or pain to the other person, and if they break up, they will patiently wait for the other person to come around. Therefore, people with this view of love will willingly give unconditional love, but will often ignore or suppress their own psychological needs. Selfless love has both advantages and disadvantages: the advantage is its generosity, courage and commitment to love; the disadvantage is that this love is likely to cause the other person’s guilt, feeling that they are not capable or give enough. It is not uncommon to find people with selfless love in their lives. These people are loyal to their love and are willing to dedicate their lives to it.
People who have a pragma view of love analyze their expectations of the person they are in love with in a very rational and realistic way, comparing a number of possible candidates, finding the value of each one, selecting the one they are satisfied with, and establishing a common love goal. These people are very “pragmatic” when it comes to finding a match for themselves in order to avoid some negative outcomes or loss of personal interest. They will carefully weigh what they have to give and what they have to give back in a relationship, and will not fall in love very casually. However, while they are very realistic and sensible about love, they lack emotional storage and expression, and will not be passionate about finding the logical match for their partner.
These six forms of love are not mutually exclusive; for example, any of them will have some degree of possession. It is only at certain times or in certain situations that people’s love may be dominated by certain forms.
What is a good relationship, I always tell my friends, I say that love is something that can not be found, and marriage is something that may be an essential part of our life. Because this life is really too lonely, and my soul is not strong enough to be alone. So I need to have someone to face it with me. That’s why I call marriage “companionship”.
Love, on the other hand, I think is being with a personality. That is part of life, not the whole life. The world is not worth it, a moment is a moment. In this life, I just want to know who I am. What kind of life I want to live, that’s more important than anything else.
I hope I can be as true to myself as possible. I can be insincere to the world, but I hope that I am always so true to you. So please accept me as happy, angry, jealous, aggrieved, and happy. Because if one day I am no longer true to you, then perhaps, it is time for us to say goodbye.
No matter what shape your love is in, whether you and your he/she are now sweet or cold war, look at your love rationally, cherish the present moment, no shame, no regret in the future.
Weathervane of Love
(1) John Lee classifies love between men and women into six forms: lustful love, playful love, friendship love, attachment love, altruistic love, and realistic love.
(2) In today’s situation where people have higher demands on the material life of their families, realistic love has become a more common form of love. When looking for a love partner, people often use some objective conditions as the criteria to measure the other party, such as education, occupation, income and family background. However, it is important to note that in love, emotional integration and psychological matching should not be neglected.
(3) No matter which form of love you are experiencing, it is important to deeply understand and know love and to look at the variable act of love in a more rational manner.
— EOF —