Love is very irrational, you will suddenly be attracted to someone, and then fall in love with him / her for no reason.
Maybe you are amazed by his / her appearance.
Maybe you are conquered by his / her talent.
Or maybe you are simply infected by those smiling eyes.
Never wake up a person in love, love is so unreasonable.
The first thing you need to do is to get to know the person you are in love with.
However, love seems to contain some evidence-based reasoning, the development of love seems to have a specific trail to follow.
Are these theories of love reliable? How do they help with reality? Are they a guide to our relationships?
Let’s explore the “truths” in love.
Ainsworth: Your childhood attachments are hidden in your relationships
There is a saying: “Life is purely accidental, so each life is attached to another life, dependent and companionable.”
When you like someone as a child, it is like liking strawberries, chocolates and balloons.
When you grow up and like someone, it is a hazy heartbeat and attachment, like a thousand lights, and you are in the center of the light.
Later, like a person, is a long stream, if life is always going to the next station of the train, hope that each station is accompanied by someone beside you.
Childhood attachments may just be hidden immovably in the relationships you have when you grow up. In this section we will focus on Mary Ainsworth’s attachment theory.
The Origin of Attachment Theory Stage of Presentation
John Bowlby first introduced the concept of attachment theory. He defined “attachment” as “the tendency of an individual to form strong emotional bonds with others of special significance that provide security and comfort to the individual” and used it to explain the emotional connection between infants and their caregivers. Bowlby’s research began with the psychological impact of mother-infant separation on infants and young children, describing the important effects of mother-infant separation on all aspects of a child’s personality and psychology.
Mihcael Rutter, the second representative of this phase, clarified Bowlby’s theory of maternal deprivation in 1972. He pointed out that Bowlby’s maternal deprivation had been understood too narrowly and that maternal deprivation did not simply refer to the experience of separation. Rutter argues that Bowlby’s maternal deprivation, in reality, has two aspects: lack (i.e., lack of a dynamic component in the parental relationship) and deprivation (it is caused by the experience of separation). Rutter’s elaboration leads to a better understanding of Bowlby’s theory.
Mary Ellsworth, a well-known American psychologist, is a representative of the developmental stage. She was awarded the Distinguished Scientific Contribution Award by the American Psychological Association in 1989, and her most important contribution to psychology was the research on early emotional attachment. Ainsworth believed that the important difference between individuals in attachment relationships was the security or insecurity of the attachment. As a result, she and her colleagues designed the Strange Situation Experiment, which focuses on separation anxiety and stranger anxiety in children and is the classic experiment for assessing the security of a one-year-old infant’s attachment to his or her mother. In the unfamiliar situation experiment, Ellsworth concluded that infants’ attachments in unfamiliar situations fall into three categories. These three categories are secure, insecure-avoidant, and insecureambivalent.
This phase was represented by Cindy Hazan and Philip Shaver, who published a paper entitled “Romantic love can be seen as an attachment process”, which marked the expansion of attachment theory from the field of child studies to the adult domain. Hazan and Shaver developed a self-assessment instrument designed to distinguish between the types of attachment in a couple’s relationship. They asked subjects to read the following three passages and indicate which one most accurately described their attachment inwhat they think, feel and do in an intimate relationship.
A: Being close to my partner makes me feel a little uncomfortable; I find it difficult to trust him/her completely and to make myself dependent on him/her. I feel nervous and uncomfortable when my partner is too close to me.
B: I don’t find it difficult to be close to my partner and feel comfortable relying on my partner and letting my partner rely on me. I don’t worry about being abandoned by my partner or about my partner being too close to me.
C: I find that my partner is not happy to be as close to me as I would like to be. I often worry that my partner doesn’t really love me or doesn’t want to be with me. I want to be very close to my partner, and this sometimes scares the other person away.
Based on the results of this categorical measure, they concluded that adult attachment types can be divided into three main categories.
A belongs to the avoidant type, which makes up about 20% of the population
B belongs to the secure type, which accounts for about 60% of the population
C belongs to the ambivalent type, and this category accounts for about 20% of the population.
Deeper development stage
There are two main theories related to this stage.
One of them is attachment transmission. Parents’ representations of their own early attachment experiences influence their nurturing style and sensitivity to their children, which in turn affects their children’s attachment security, and so this has facilitated psychologists’ research on the intergenerational transferability of attachment. Although there are no clear conclusions about the intergenerational transmission of attachment, the role of parents’ representations of their own early attachment experiences in their children’s development has begun to receive increasing attention from researchers.
The second is multiple attachment. In recent years, a number of Western researchers have challenged this theory of Bowlby, leading to the hypothesis of multiple attachment relationships. It is believed that children can establish different attachment relationships with adults who play different roles in different environments. Because the environments from which the various attachments arise differ, there is inconsistency among them. A growing number of studies have found the existence of multiple attachment relationships, but so far the findings have not been sufficient to support this theoretical assumption.
The relationship between child attachment and adult attachment
Hazan and Schaeffer found that the distribution of attachment in adults is similar to that of infants.
1. The proportional distribution of adult attachment types closely matched that of infant attachment types. This study also supports Freud’s view that “how a child perceives, how he or she confronts the world, and small things that seem insignificant to adults will profoundly affect the child’s development and its possible development of psychotic symptoms later in life.”
2. children and adults have common characteristics in their attachment types. One is that both feel safe when the caregiver/partner is around and responsive; two, both have intimate and personal physical contact; three, both feel insecure when they cannot be close to the caregiver/partner; four, both share their discoveries with the caregiver/partner; five, both caress the caregiver/partner’s face and both show mutual fascination and concentration; and six, both Sixthly, they all engage in “body talk”.
(1) Psychologist Ellsworth’s attachment type theory divides human “attachment patterns” into three types: avoidant attachment personality, secure attachment personality, and ambivalent attachment personality.
(2) Individuals with avoidant attachment personality cannot establish a normal attachment relationship with their lovers and feel uncomfortable being close to their lovers; individuals with secure attachment personality can both attach to their lovers and trust them; individuals with ambivalent attachment personality often worry that their partners do not really love them or do not want to be with them, and are prone to argue with their lovers in the relationship.
(3) If you have an avoidant attachment pattern, we suggest that you make an effort to try to trust others; if you have an ambivalent attachment pattern, learn to curb your desire to control and give each other independent space.
(4) Secure attachment personality is the healthiest emotional pattern. In a relationship, it is very difficult to change the other person, so why not try to develop yourself into a secure attachment personality first?